Standing at the Precipice.

Day 23: Standing at the precipice.

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It's only when it's passed that you realise how close you were. People, diaries, songs have to tell you how you lost weight, wouldn't eat anything, couldn't walk properely. And then you remember. How it felt like it would be forever. That's just your life now. But it's only when it's passed you realised how bad it was, and how close you were. 

When death is right infront of you, it is an inviting, calm, quiet and still thing. Your friend. Peace. But when it's right infront of you, you don't think of it. Dying never crossed your mind. You were so absorbed in the sleep, pills, appointments, procedures, television programmes, that death never crossed your mind until it furthered away - until it left you for another day. It was like someone was pulling you back, picking you up and carrying you back to safety. If you had fallen, then it really wouldn't have mattered - not to you. Death was a way out, that's all.

Now, when you have a bad day, it feels worse than all the bad days joined together back then. A bad day sandwiched between two good days makes you see what death is. What standing at the precipice really is, what it was really like - because back then your judgment was clouded with numbness from hunger and pain.

It's pathetic, feeling sorry for yourself, but sometimes you need to. Get it out of your system. What does sickness look like anyway?