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I started my big grown up job last month and I still can't quite believe it. When I get a spare moment between editing stories at my desk I find myself thinking... WOW. I would have never expected I'd be doing what I'm doing now if someone had told me a year ago. I know I've said that before, but it's just taking so long to sink in.
This time last year I was working on my dissertation and other various assignments for uni, not knowing what I was aiming for in the long run but feeling very stressed nonetheless and, just, going with it. Even though a full time graduate job wasn't what I had in mind for my life after uni, nothing else worked out. Nothing.
I am enjoying it more than I thought I would and I think I'm OK. I get this feeling when I'm walking from the car park to the office, through the hallway and when I sit down at my desk — I get this 'grown up' feeling. I ask myself, is this it? Have I made it to the adult world?
I love that I can snack at my desk. I love that I can have my lunch
whenever I want. I love that I can drink as much coffee as I want. I
love that I can read all day and do what I do best. I love that we can have a laugh and talk and not have to serve customers — that the
computer and the stories are the only things I have to face. But I
don't think I love this transition into adulthood.
I wonder how I'm supposed to feel. I wonder how everyone else feels. The problem with me, is that I wonder these things, and I don't think you're actually supposed to. Growing up just seems to happen, but even though I have everything that tells me I'm a grown up — a degree, a car, a full time job — I just don't feel there yet. I look at all the older, more experienced people working in the office and they seem to have it all figured out, in the way they talk, walk and work with such confidence and ease.
Am I an adult now? Then there are people my age getting married, having babies, and although these two things are major goals for my life, I can't think of anything more terrifying at 21. We all develop at different ages, of that I'm sure, I would just like to know when I'll develop a bit further, or at least stop worrying about how I am now, because right now I feel a little stagnant, despite everything I am so fortunate to have achieved.
How eloquently put. I SO get you. It's all to do with our perspectives I think - some people hit 16 and already feel/act 26 and others are the total opposite! But neither are wrong. You know? You know.
ReplyDeleteP.S. What a wonderful painting! P.P.S. Thanks for sharing!
I'm so glad you get it :) makes me feel a little less alone!
DeleteI love the painting. Found it via Pinterest – there are some amazing artists on there.
N xo
I'm beginning to think more and more that age is just a number. Some people have innate wisdom and maturity, some grow into it and I guess some never achieve it and stay childlike. I also think you're right everyone matures at their own rate. And even if you don't feel like an adult, your words have always radiated with a sense of calm maturity and sensibleness that seems very worldly to me :) I know I too have always associated things like getting married, having a house etc with being 'grown up' but I'm starting to think you can do those things too early, before you're ready, and then you miss all the fun!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I'm not the only one feeling a bit startled by the post-uni transition (great and exciting as it also is!) I keep reminding myself that it's a whole new life stage and that I didn't feel settled at uni within a few months, it took longer, so it's normal for this to take a while too. :)
Thank you Lu, such helpful and kind words :)
DeleteN xo
I adore this post :) I'm only a handful of months away from finishing uni and getting on with my 'grown up' life. Thanks for telling us about your experiences, it makes me feel less terrified x
ReplyDeletehepburnspixiecrop.blogspot.co.uk