The Character of Change

Queuing up for coffee at Momentum this summer

Every now and again, something happens to disrupt the flow of your life. There's no reason or rhyme to the habit of change, but it happens to everyone. We all respond differently to old things ending and new things beginning, but what unsettles me – and I'm sure many others – is that moment when it suddenly hits you out of nowhere – that, oh, this really is happening.

Homemade chicken nuggets for my final meal at home

No matter how hard I try, I am never ready. I moved out of my parents' last weekend and leading up to it I planned everything to the very last tassel on my new cushion covers – ones I didn't even buy. I wrote lists of things I needed for my new home. I counted down the days until my last day at work – something I had been thinking about for a long time, and when it happened, it happened so fast that there were people to whom I didn't even say goodbye.

Banoffee pie for pudding :)

We rarely live in the moment. I said goodbye to Anna like I was going to see her next week. As soon as I walked out of the door I felt a loss. I got into my car and I thought of all the times we drove up to Tesco on our lunch break. All the times we walked to the shop, made tea, made first second and third breakfasts, talked about wanting to move on, laughed about stupid things we'd said or done, sending each other Buzzfeed links – all so banal at the time. But not now. A few minutes' break in the kitchen at work with a friend was a solace I'll now have to find elsewhere. 

All moved in and not at all unpacked.

The feeling hit me again in Ikea on the day of the move. I was eighteen, saying goodbye to my mum in halls and crying my eyes out in front of a group of strangers, but I didn't care. I had to get that sick knot out of my stomach, and crying usually does the trick. I knew the fear was irrational, but depression and anxiety are always looming, loneliness and isolation and abandonment – all triggered by change.

Peanut butter treats - the ultimate comfort food

So what's the solution to all of this? I think it's a reassurance in yourself and where you are. It's needed to keep your feet on the ground. I find that in friends and family, near and far, and, most importantly, my faith.

If you feel in your heart that what you're doing is right, that funny feeling in your tummy will pass. All the scary bits and pieces will become smaller and change won't seem so bad after all. I think, ultimately, that the more change you embrace, the easier it gets. 

What do you think? How do you cope with change? Let me know in the comments below or tweet me @hello_flower