2020

Usually, as a new year approaches, I'm ready for a fresh start. I have a list as long as my arm detailing things about my life I'd like to change, resolutions I'll definitely keep this time, brand new bullet journal spreads to put into a fresh notebook and a reflective blog post about how far I've come and how excited I am for the year ahead. But nearly a week into 2020 and I'm still waiting for that inspired feeling – instead, I'm still mourning the Christmas tree my dad took down just two weeks after we put it up.

Before writing this I was reading a blog post I wrote two years ago about lessons I'd learnt in 2017. I love the archive of my blog (it's a great indicator of how much my writing has improved), but this post, in particular, made me feel like I'd made no progress at all, like I've only gone backwards, and that doesn't align with any of the motivational quotes I keep seeing on Instagram. It scared me to see myself so positive and sure, when just six months later I went through one of the most difficult periods of my life to date, taking a huge blow to my confidence and mental health.

Of course, there's another part of me that knows I needn't be so hard on myself, and it is that part that reminds me of a few things here.

God's plan might not be the same as your plan. My idea of happiness and success may be something totally different from what He has in store for me. I compare myself to others more than I care to admit, and I know it's totally wrong and unhelpful to do it. but I do it anyway. But here's the thing – I'm only human, and I can't do it all right, I'm not perfect – and that's the beauty of being a Christian. I know that even though I thought at 27 I'd have a very different life to the one I currently lead, I am blessed in so many ways and I know my current situation is not my final destination.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight" - Proverbs 3:5-6

There are bumps in every road – life is about the ebb and flow (something my best friend Emily wrote once that is ingrained in my mind forever) and I know that progress isn't linear. So, while I've seen lots of people talking about how much they overcame in 2019 and are now the best version of themselves, I'm here to tell you that if you're still going through some of the stuff that in an ideal world would slot nicely somewhere in the middle of the year, that's okay. Just keep going, keep doing the best you can, because sometimes great things happen in the most unexpected places and at the most unexpected times.

And for now, the things I'm holding onto: His constant presence even when I feel too low to notice it, my ever-supportive family who, sometimes quite literally, hold me up and my friends who love me no matter what. It's thanks to all of them that I have a plan in place to make some positive changes in my life this year.