When I was 18

When I was 18 I had a plan. My plan was solid because I could see so far into the future. I could see so far, as in, up until the age of 21 – the age up until when everything was laid out and navigable. When I was 18 I went to university and I definitely shouldn't have. I mean, I definitely shouldn't have left home at 18. I was too young and I was still a child. I was still too young when I finished university and turned 21.

I don't know when I grew up. Maybe it happened the second time I left home and my mum and I were at this new pizza place she had read about in the Guardian and somehow, all of a sudden, we were both crying in the middle of the restaurant, Mum squeezing my hand over the table. I didn't cry again – not even when she left – because I had a huge new bedroom with bay windows and a blossom tree outside and Friends to watch on Netflix and the sweetest new friend with the most beautiful ginger hair I'd ever seen, just in the bedroom next to me.

Until about a year or so ago I thought it all had to mean something – life – and every moment of every day had to be worth something, or I was wasting time, or what was the point? I had the plan until I was 21 and then I got lost but found my way again and then after all that, and another breakdown, I decided I didn't need a plan – not a long term one, anyway. Going along with what everyone else was doing, and what I thought I should be doing, was very overwhelming. Back then, and maybe even now, still, I filled every spare moment with things and people and events and stuff. I had no time to think or be by myself and stop thinking about other people for just one minute or spend time with God or learn about anything new. I spent so many days, weeks, years just ticking over to the next, following a plan I had laid out for myself, following what the world said, following, following, following...

When I was 18 and I moved away to university I latched onto the most beautiful person I had ever met. I remember the first time I saw him, leaning against our new kitchen door as he introduced himself and my jaw dropped, which I always thought was so romantic. We argued maybe twice the whole time we were together, and I can't remember exactly how long that was because there were a good few months either side of the ~relationship~ when we were still texting and saying I love you. He bought me flowers and Krispy Kremes and he read difficult books and wrote these amazing essays and he taught me a lot about films and history and literature, because at 18 I was still a child and he was 19 and had had a gap year and was so wise. I would describe what he looked like but his face has kind of faded from my memory now. It's not even about what they look like when you fall in love, anyway.

I wrote a lot of romantic shit when I was 18. Like, if I could go back to uni now and re-do my degree, I know I'd write some amazing stuff. But sometimes I think maybe I don't want to be a writer anymore, except I know that isn't true. I am just extremely lazy. I think (part of) my problem is I don't know who my audience is, and I've written self-indulgent internal monologue type diary entries for far too long and it's hard to change your style once you've found a groove, you know? Another truth is... I'm scared of what will come up if I'm alone with my thoughts for too long. In a way, therapy helped with that, but I dreaded going every week and I still don't know if it fixed me.

When I was 18 I didn't know anything about mental health and sometimes I wish I still didn't. I was 18 when I first experienced anxiety and I thought I was dying. I couldn't leave my bedroom and I couldn't get on a train and I couldn't go to work and I was too scared to do so many things because of this sick feeling that wouldn't go away. My friend said something recently that I've thought about loads. She said that mental health awareness may be worsening the problem for some of us. And at first I thought, nope, I don't get it. But now I definitely do. When I read about other people's experiences of mental health problems I have to try really hard to see if I can relate. What I feel and think and experience is so different to what everyone else does, and that's the scariest thing about mental illness. I can talk about it now from a grounded perspective and see where I have been in the past as seasons of change and growth and disruption and pain, because right now I am okay, but I still can't explain any of it, really. And no one can. There is no test or scan, only a questionnaire you fill out at the doctors and the words you can scramble together to describe how isolated and scared you feel, and even then it's their interpretation that determines how sick you are. So how does that work?

When I was 18 I was on the precipice of adulthood and the unravelling of myself. Sometimes I go back to that town, where my best friend still lives, and it's like I didn't exist. My halls of residence are no longer, my friends have dispersed, old love dissipating with every new build that concretes over where we walked. Only one book shop we spent collecting novels for the summers ahead remains and if I go inside and put my hands on the shelves, stacked and stuffed with titles we both know and don't know, it almost feels like that time never passed.

Being Human - New Year's Resolutions

December is a jam packed month. I love it. There is so much going on and it's always the most exciting time of year for me. There are now two days left of 2013 (what) and now that Christmas is done with, it's time to reflect on the year past and prepare for the new one coming.

Every year I buy myself a new diary and write a list of new year's resolutions in the crisp first page, but this year I have made a start in one of my old journals because I am feeling super organised. I start my new job a week tomorrow(!) and I want everything to go smoothly right from the start.

My new years resolutions are always the same: drink more water, eat more fruit and veg, do more exercise, read more, write more. This used to concern me - I shouldn't have to write these at the start of every year, should I? Surely after one year of keeping these resolutions I should be able to move on and not write them down again, year after year? But then I thought, I am never done with being fit and healthy. I am never done with reading and writing. These things mean a lot to me in my life. We always have room for improvement, and new years resolutions are important because they reaffirm that we are human beings with the drive and need inside of us to get better and achieve things, even if we never reach these goals.

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I see a lot of people on the internet going on about how New Year's resolutions are pointless. A new year shouldn't mean a new start - it's the same day as every other day. But it's not, really, is it? 1st January marks the start of a new year, and the opportunity to start afresh. As human beings we like that; we like to be given that chance, whether we see it through or not.

I remember browsing the shops last January and seeing a whole host of exercise DVDs on offer. Everyone knows after a few weeks of over indulging we try and get into a permanent routine of being fit and healthy, but it doesn't usually last. It made me laugh back then, but I'm considering getting one myself this year as I have avoided going out running for a good two months now. 

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The funny thing is, when it comes to making resolutions and keeping them, the enjoyable part is actually thinking of them and writing them down. Preparing for them. Getting that gym membership, going shopping for new trainers and a sports bra, writing this post, even. Sometimes, none of it comes to anything, but that's just human nature. Nothing changes remarkably when the clock strikes midnight on 31st December every year, but symbolically it does, and that's exciting - that is why we celebrate it every year.

January is a pretty depressing month. Thankfully, this one coming will mark the arrival of my sister's first baby and I am so excited. I hope the joy he/she brings will override the inevitable gloom that January usually brings, and I'll be even more determined to get better at reading, writing and looking after my body. What are your new year's resolutions?

Review - Collected Quotations Journal

 

Back in August, my Grandpa came to visit and one day we took a trip to Crickhowell, a town just down the road from Abergavenny. A quaint little place, the high street is dotted with independent coffee shops, clothing, jewellery and accessory stores and my favourite - 'Book-ish' - an independent book shop.

I love to go into Book-ish to get ideas for Birthday and Christmas present ideas. The range of products is fantastic. There is something for everyone, including artwork, fiction, non-fiction, stationery and childrens books, plus much more. I always see something I love that I have to put on my own wishlist. 

On this occasion, I found this beautiful hardback journal 'Collected Quotations - A Journal to Record and Remember Words of Wisdom.'*

I am a bit of a hoarder of notebooks, journals - anything I can write in. I have a box of old diaries stored up in the attic and more stuffed in a drawer under my bed. I counted them once and the grand total was 33. What I had to write about so desperately, I don't know. I dare not read back through them. I have told my family, however, that when I die they have full permission to do whatever they wish with them. Read them, give them away, burn them, whatever.

Anyway, Book-ish has the tendency to draw me in at the worst of times - when I have no spare money to spend on a new book, poster or diary. However, my Grandpa saw me eyeing up this journal and insisted he buy it for me. As soon as I got home I wrote my name in it and it has been a treasure ever since.

 

Inside is a content page of each section in which you can write down your favourite quotes. I love the size, colour and style of the font. (Font is always important).

Each 'chapter' of the journal opens with a quote from a source relevant to the topic. 

And on each page is a space where you can write your favourite quotes, the date, source and any notes you may wish to add.

Every so often you'll come across a page which has been illustrated with a famous quote:

The artwork is one of the reasons I love this journal so much. I think it is unique and interesting, unlike a lot of tacky looking journals you see on the high street.

Some pages have extra space - for example in the Speeches chapter, where more space is obviously needed.  

This is my favourite section which, as you can see I have already made a start on. I am trying to only write down significant, startling or eye-opening quotes:

I like this one purely because I love Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz:

Some of the things my family come out with should definitely be noted, for comical reasons, mostly, but as my Grandpa gave this journal to me I would like to include some of the words of wisdom he has given me over the years.

I really like the 'Other Sources' section, because you never know what you might overhear on the train or read in an article.

This would make a fantastic gift for a friend or family member as Christmas is coming up. I wanted to share it with you all because it is so beautiful and something I have been looking for for a long time. I have a feeling I'll be filling this journal with my favourite quotations for many years to come.

You can visit the Book-ish website here where a selection of their stock is available to view and purchase. Or, if you're in the area, you can visit the shop at: 23 High Street, Crickhowell, Powys NP8 1BD. 

Is there anyone else who likes to hoard an unhealthy amount of journals? I find there is something very therapeutic about writing in new - and old - notebooks.

*Published by Chronicle Books, San Fransisco, 2012.